Litt ATC humor

[Eirik Støylen]

Kanskje dere har sett disse før inne på ATCMonitor, men for de som ikke har lest de, her er noen artige situasjoner fra ATC og piloter IRL

Kanskje dette får enkelte SIM-aktører til å senke skuldrene litt også

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The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the

Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

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Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!" Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some

amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

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Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?

82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.

D5: Same position, same altitude.

ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form?

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ATC: Say altitude

Pilot (feeling frisky): altitude

ATC: Say ALTITUDE

Pilot: ALTITUDE

ATC: Say 'Canceling IFR'

Pilot: Level 8000

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Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessna's including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"

A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment, "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster.'"

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A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanick to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 tow plane had no radio, but the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the glider called, ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend responded. "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"

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I was taxiing out to the active in a 172 and I had just dialed up tower and checked the approach which was clear. The weather was 15+ vis and no ceiling. I was just about to call tower for clearance when I heard this.

ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.

TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.

I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this.

TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.

ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you!

Tower came back very cool and collected.

TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome?

ABC: err....negative dome tower.

TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.

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ATC: Cessna 1234 What are your intentions?

Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.

ATC: Cessna 1234 I meant in the next five minutes not years.

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A true story from my Scottish days when a C152 pilot was asked to report his height prior to clearance to enter the zone, replied: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon which the Controller very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets and re-enter the atmosphere!"

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C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots

Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots

F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.

... then in a distant crackly voice,

"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."

Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.

"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."

.......hva er en SR-71...?

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Another student, a not too bright woman, was coming in for a landing. The radio in the FBO was set to the ground freq. It seems that she landed on the taxi way.

The ground controller told her, "please call 555-9876 after you park the plane".

She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."

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Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at four thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.

Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the current SJC ATIS)

Cessna: Uhhhm...negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.

American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?

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Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to

destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet

thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or

below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156

direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."

GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian

Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present

position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing

15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT

thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and....I need another pencil."

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[Kenneth G. Sørensen]

.......hva er en SR-71...?

 

Les om SR-71 her

 

[image]http://www.sr-71.org/photogallery/blackbird/17972/17972-2003-01.jpg[/image]

[Eirik Støylen]

Da skjønner jeg

[Marius Sparby]

Her er en lignende ifra ATC-verdenen som også har med SR-71 å gjøre:

 

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

 

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.

 

Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

 

We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

 

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

 

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots."

 

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

[Gert Andreas Barring]

hahha

SR-71 er så digg fly!

[Pål Næss]

"Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance

to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain

in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go

up to it, we plan to go DOWN to it." He was cleared."

 

 

" 1972, Barksdale AFB:

A visiting SR-71 leaving the base was taking what seemed an

inordinately long time holding in position for takeoff. I was

standing in front of Base Ops amid a small group of people watching,

when someone said, "I wonder what's taking him so long."

 

Whereupon someone else cracked, "He's waiting on a landing

clearance at Nellis."

 

Forøvrig, sitatet fra Marius sin post er fra boken Sled Driver av Brian Shul. Hvor mine opprinnelig kommer fra, aner jeg ikke, dessverre.

[Joachim Skjønberg]

Lignende versjon:

 

Bare tar et callsing.

"Blackbird 001, request FL 600"

"Wow, are you able to get THAT high? Cleared FL 600"

"Descending to FL 600, Blackbird 001"

[Ørjan Utne]

Litt mer humor....

 

P: Innerste hjul på venstre side skal nesten skiftes.

S: Har nesten skiftet innerste hjul på venstre side!

P: Test-flyvningen gikk OK, bortsett fra at den automatiske landingen var noe hard.

S: Det er ikke installert automatisk landing på dette flyet.

P: Propell nr. 2 får ikke tilført nok propellsmøring.

S: Tilførsel til propell nr. 2 er normal. Tilførslen til propell nr. 1, 3 og 4 er i uorden!

P: Et eller annet sitter løst i cockpiten.

S: Et eller annet har blitt strammet i cockpiten.

P: Døde insekter på frontruten.

S: Levende insekter er i restordre.

P: Autopiloten utløser et fall på 200 fot, når flyvehøyden skal fastholdes.

S: Kan ikke gjenskape problemet på landjorden!

P: Bevis på lekk i høyre sides landingsdel.

S: Beviset fjernet!

P: Lyden i samtaleanlegget er utrolig høy.

S: Lyden i samtaleanlegget installert til et mer troverdig nivå.

P: Motstandslåsen får gasshåndtaket til å sitte fast.

S: Det er liksom dét, de er der for...

P: Radioen ute av drift.

S: Radioen er alltid ute av drift når den står på OFF.

P: Har en mistanke om sprekk i frontruten.

S: Har en mistanke om at du har rett!

P: Mangler motor nr. 3.

S: Motoren funnet på høyre vinge etter kort ettersøking.

P: Flyet oppfører seg rart.

S: Flyet har fått beskjed om å ta seg sammen, fly ordentlig og være litt seriøst!

P: Radaren brummer.

S: Har omprogrammert radaren til tale.

P: Mus i cockpit.

S: Katt installert.

 

Sikkert en klassikker, men synes nå denne er bra:-)

 

Ørjan

[Baard Salvesen]

Klassiker