Fredagshumor i særklasse!

[Bjørn Olav Henjum]

Hei folkens!

Det ser ut som om det kan bli en del simmere som skal ta flysertifikatet ved Sola Flyklubb nå til høsten. Olav Magne Rønningen og jeg begynte i den anledning å diskutere hvordan instruktørene kom til å takle alle disse 'desktop-pilotene' som tror de kan alt fra før. Jeg har fått lov til å gjengi denne mailen jeg fikk fra Olav. Håper alle har varmet opp lattermusklene!

quote:

---

Instr.: "Du glemte å ta run-up!"

Elev: "Drit i, gjør ikke det på PC'en heller og det går helt fint"

Instr: "Snu, og takse tilbake!"

Elev: "Umulig, noen har aktivisert FS-Traffic"

Instr.: "FS-Traffic.....??????????"

Elev: "Snu deg og se selv, vi har fire fly bak oss som venter på at vi skal komme oss avgårde og vi har to på finalen"

Instr.: "Jammen........FS Traffic????, er du tungt medisinert for et eller annet?"

Elev: "Nei, nei, men se her (roter rundt nedi REMA-1000-pilotbagen), ta deg en pils og cool'an mens jeg tar av mellom de to på finalen"

Instr.: "Stopp og kjør deretter ut til siden øyeblikkelig!!!!"

Elev: "OK, hvor er pause knappen?"

Instr.: "Pauseknappen???&&%%¤¤##???

Elev: "Må ha den, liker ikke å gå direkte over i slewmode uten å ha pauset først"

Instr. (nå med skingrende røst): "Slew-mode.......????????"

Elev: (lettere irritert og irettesettende) "Ja slewmode, småfly snur så dårlig når det blåser litt, og med den dårlige bredden på denne taxeveien gidder jeg ikke engang prøve på det"

Instr.: "Hva for noe????"

Tårnet: "Lima Tango Papa clear for an immediate take off 18, wind 095, 14knots!

Elev: "Clear for take off and we are rolling. Eeeehhh, tower, could you pls. change wind to 182, and let's say 3 knots?

Tårnet: "Change wind?????? Pls. say again.

Elev: "Again"

Tårnet: "Lima Tango Papa proceed with your take-off immediately, you have a 737 on short final behind you!!!!!!!!"

Elev: "Ok, jeg trør til med et forsøk men jeg håper ikke realismen er satt på maks i denne maskinen"

Tårnet: "Hva behager??????"

Instr. (som nå har resignert en smule og allerede er halvveis i sixpacken) "Schstå på, gutten min. Dette går hjulet......."

Elev (som nå innbitt kjemper med pedalene for å holde centerline): "Disse &%¤# pedalene er ihvertfall ikke CH Pedal Pro, de trenger smøring!"

Instr.: "Schelfølgelig, schimiering er tingen"

Elev (som i dette øyeblikket roterer av midt i rekken av rullebanelys): "FDE'en til denne er ihvertfall ikke gjort av Dreamfleet!"

Instr.: "FDE - Dreamfleet??????? Nevisst nei.........selvsagt ikke, selvsagt ikke"

Tårnet: "Lima Tango Papa - make a left turn towards Sandnes and climb to 1000 feet, report passing Sandnes"

Elev: "Turning left heading Sandnes, will maintain 1000"

Instr. (som nå er vassen i blikket): "Hvor har du lært radiotelefoni da?"

Elev: "Av Åge Olsen i Molde, han er lærer"

Instr.: "Åhh, du mener flyinstruktør?"

Elev: "Nei, jeg tror han er kjørelærer på gaffeltrucker"

Instr.: "Akkurat ja, og truckene hans kan fly?"

Elev (vantro): "Har du noen gang sett en flygende gaffeltruck?"

Instr.: "Tja, jeg er ikke lenger schikker på det......."

Tårnet: "Lima Tango Papa, turn heading 350, report passing Forus"

Elev: "Jada masa, svinger nu"

Instr. (som nå såvidt har begynt å komme til hektene igjen): "Ok, når vi nå passerer Forus skal vi forberede en left downwind for 18"

Elev: "jada, jeg vet alt det, men det går så treigt her, hvor er den slew knappen?"

Instr.: "Slewknappen?? Nei, hør nå her: konsentrer deg heller om å holde høyden, dette er til å bli sjuk av"

Elev: "Til å bli sjuk av?????? Jeg kan ikke noe for at dette flyet ikke fortjener mer enn karakter 2 i Flightsim.no's filbibliotek, for noe møl! Har du henta det ned på FSPlanet??"

Instr.: "Flightsim.no, FSPlanet, Møl??? Flyet er jo nylig overhala"

Elev: "Hjelper ikke hva det er, for det om at dette flyet har moving parts så er ikke det det samme som at det flyr bra"

Instr.: "Eh, neivel??? Beklager så mye da på vegne av Sola Flyklubb........"

Elev: "Sola Tower, good afternoon. Lima Tango Papa is passing Forus 1000 heading 355"

Tårnet: "Ja, vi har registrert at du femten ganger har vært på 1000 fot, Lima Tango Papa, join left downwind 18"

Elev: "Will join left downwind 18, Lima Tango Papa"

Instr.:"Hvor flyr du nå, du ligger jo på heading 290????. Fly traffic pattern 004 og start left downwind!!!!!"

Elev: "Det har ingen hensikt. Ta deg en øl til du, gamle ørn..."

Instr.: "Og hvorfor har det ingen hensikt, om jeg tør spørre?"

Elev: "På PC'en har jeg ofte landet på tvers av rullebanen vis a vis flyklubbområdet, og siden FS Traffic ikke har annen trafikk i nærheten er ikke det noe problem"

Instr.: "Nevisst, ja, eehhh, og jeg antar at vi ikke skal pause noe som helst før vi setter nedpå?"

Elev: "Neida, det er korrekt, men sjekk at Wilco's GPWS2000 er aktivisert"

Instr: "Wilco's hvafornoe?"

Elev (som nå i medvind flyr i en sky av barnåler noe under tretopphøyde heading 290 like øst for treshold på 18): "Les høyden du da, hvis du er så mye bedre!"

Instr.: "Lese høyden?????????? Det er ikke jeg som flyr. Skjønt flyr og flyr, fru Blom........."

Elev: "Slå av crashdetection da i det minste, men la det gå kvikt for nå setter jeg nedpå"

Instruktør (som nå holder seg for øynene og har hodet under yoken i en selvkomponert braceposition): "Eh, akkurat ja, alt er skrudd av, Fader Vår du som er i...............kan du sette på pause?"

Flyet stopper gyngende i en sky av blårøyk 2 cm. fra klubbhusveggen

Elev: (som raskt er hoppet ut av flyet og "løper" med tett knestilling mot inngangsdøra i klubbhuset): "Resett situasjonen imens, jeg skal bare pisse"

Instr. (mumlende) "OK, jeg måtte pisse for noen minutter siden men det er visst over nå, visste forresten ikke at det var varmekabler i setene på C172....? "

---

Ha en sprudlende helg! [image]http://www.flightsim.no/ubb/images/icons/smile.gif[/image]

[Harald Hagen]

Duverden..... et epos på linje med de beste! Denne går i arkivet.

Undertegnede må tilstå at han faktisk tidlig i karriæren glemte å gjøre runup en fin sommerdag på Sola. Det var en lettere rødmende elev som måtte bli minnet på dette av instruktøren, etter at han hadde bedt om taxi fra tårnet. Akk, bare et av mange tabbemomenter i et etter hvert langt liv.

------------------

Harald Hagen

Harstad, Norway

harald.hagen@online.no

[Edited by Harald Hagen 16-06-2000.]

[Roar Eli Sandøy]

Er nå omtrent ferdig med å tørke opp her rundt tastaturet [image]http://www.flightsim.no/ubb/images/icons/wink.gif[/image] og detta var fredagshumor for en flynerd som varma skikkelig [image]http://www.flightsim.no/ubb/images/icons/grin.gif[/image]

------------------

Roar Sandøy

http://home.sol.no/~es/" TARGET=_blank>VACC Norway

http://home.sol.no/~roa-sand/irc/" TARGET=_blank>"Irc for Dummies"

[Bjørn Granvang]

Flysertifikat? Fullt så dramatisk som det ovenfor her kunne jeg nok styre meg for, men det er en par karer som har et lite småfly på et jorde bortenfor her hvor jeg bor. Toseter, FoxKit med en Bombardier 2- sylindret og til overmål vannavkjølt motor. Sparsomt utstryrt i cockpit, men den har nå det aller nødvendigste, høydemåler, fartsmåler pluss et par andre gauges. Og en transponder da. Et stykke «hjemmelaget» leketøy.

Poenget er at en tur i denne lille fugger'n ville bli en skikkelig tivolitur. Lett som ei fjør, et helsikes vingespenn og trang som en BMW Isetta, jo, det ville blitt bukseskift etter landing. [image]http://www.flightsim.no/ubb/images/icons/smile.gif[/image]

Men hva koster «lappen» i dag? Hva må en kar på 47 år ut med for å kunne sette seg bak yoke'en på sin første solo-tur? Tidligere erfaring begrenser seg til FS98. Jeg går ut fra at det er inndelt i klasser på disse småflyene også. Noen har fremstilte landingshjul og styrehjul bak, noen er det omvendt. Å lande en Chessna på Rygge et ingen sak, men kommer jeg med en Extra 300 kan du skjøte samtlige rullebaner i Skandinavia og allikevel bør den ende i sjøen. For det er der jeg ville havnet.

Kunne noen ramse opp «klassene» og cirkapris på disse? Og hva koster egentlig en rimelig brukbart utstyrt maskin? ...eh, brukt, kanskje?

Mvh

Bjørn

[Livar Hole]

Flott hstorie, minner meg om da jeg fløy solo for første gang: Jeg landet uten klarering og fikk den kjeften. For å gjøre alt bra igjen svarte jeg "Yes sir" samt en liten mumlende forklaring. Det var bare det at det var en kvinnelig flygeleder...........

Forresten til alle dere som ønsker å bli med på Sola Flyklubbs (www.solaflyklubb.no) introflyging første søndagen i september så er det bare å møte fram.

Hilsen Livar

Undervisningsleder/IK-2

Sola Flyklubb

[Ivar Amundsen]

Fantastisk morsom visjon, gleder meg ellevilt til filmen kommer. [image]http://www.flightsim.no/ubb/images/icons/grin.gif[/image]

mvh

Ivar

[oddhspjoetvold]

Vannvittig morsomt! Dere hører jeg ler?

[Ove Tornvik]

ÅÅÅÅ æ daue!!!!!!!!!!!!

prøvde å ta en røyk, men fikk ikke tell å inhalere!!

vannviti godt læse stoff etter en trist nattevakt!

lol

ove!

[Morten Nesvik]

Akkurat DET er det løgnaste jeg har lest på svært lenge!

 

Det verste er vel at situasjonen ikke er heeelt utenkelig.........

 

Takk for dagens latter!

------------------

Morten

[Øystein Eker]

Federal Aviation Agency,

Washington 25, D.C.

 

Gentlemen:

 

I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.

The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.

On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.

When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.

We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's rediculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.

The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?

It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead wigh sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of heights like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.

Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it semed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of heights, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occured because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.

As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.

To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talkig about some god damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.

Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.

Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.

 

Very, truly yours, Wilbur B. Wrong