hehe.. les den her..

[Thomas Langeland]

In these days when it is unusually stressful to fly, the following

should help ease the anguish of traveling by air. Conversations that

passengers normally don't hear. The following are accounts [or so they

say] of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from

around the world.

=================================

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate

female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US

Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie

taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it

right!" continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now

shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I

tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half

an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,

and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the

verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground

controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was

running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to

you once?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a

360 – do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing

between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it

costs us $2,000 to make even a 180 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat, the controller replied, "Roger, give me $4,000

worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach

speed a little high.

A voice from the San Jose Tower said: "American 751 heavy, turn right at

the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit

off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being

vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one

o'clock and three miles."

Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven

o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've

got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a

Chevelle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered

lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but

how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some

amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange

between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign

"Speedbird 206."

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of

the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a

stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate

location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown

to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another

type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich

overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the

bloody war!"

[Thomas Kibuuka]

Tøft, skulle skjedd mer sånt på VATSIM og IVAO:-)

NVH

Thomas

[Tor Rasmussen]

DRIIIT BRA!

FLERE!

Jeg ligger å ruller på gulvet her. LOL.

[Petter Dischington]

Konge [image]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/image]

[Gjest]

This Japanese airlines plane is approaching Honolulu international when the tower gives the pilot a clearance he's not familiar with. So he says: ATC could you please walk me through that clearance, it's been a while since I was here last.

ATC: Oh yeah when were you here last?

Pilot: December 8, 1941!

DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes, altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl,

OK, now why don't you'all say that again, real slow, as if it mattered.

A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller shot everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York, you hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin'".

Another pilot obtaining a clearance from the Trenton controller who shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can say it again once slowly."

Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?

82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.

D5: Same position, same altitude.

ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form ??

ATC: Say altitude

Pilot (feeling frisky): altitude

ATC: Say ALTITUDE

Pilot: ALTITUDE

ATC: Say 'Canceling IFR'

Pilot: Level 8000

Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessnas including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"

A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment: "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the _skymaster_."

A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanick to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 towplane had no radio, but the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the glider called, ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend responded. "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"

A crew in a Baron was taxiing at LAX back in the sixties and encountered one of the (then) new 747's. Both pilot and co- were all eyes as both aircraft approached the same intersection.

Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

Berlin, 1952, airfield real busy. English pilot comes on the radio requesting taxi instructions to the terminal.

Controller: Have you not been here before?

Pilot: Yes, once in 1945, but I was just passing through!

At London Gatwick: a A320 Air France is making an auto-approach. At 200', the computer decided to make a go-around with no reason and no command from the crew. Here is what we head on the TWR freq:

Air France: London from Air France 1234, It's going around!

London TWR: Air France 1234, report intentions

Air France: Well ... to go with it sir !

It was a quiet morning in the control tower at the airport where I was working. I was in the tower position, and my friend was on ground control. One of the small commuters had just landed, and as they taxied to the ramp the female pilot hit the wrong button and her "thank-you for flying with XXX airlines" message went out on the ground control frequency instead of the intercom. My friend heard this, made some wrong assumptions, and made the following VERY un-PC broadcast on his frequency:

"Attention all airlines, someone has a stewardess talking on the radio."

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737.

[pause]

Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.

[longer pause]

Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.

Someone: Giggles and laughter in background

After several unsuccessful attempts to raise the pilot whom the tower has just issued instructions to: "You have to key in the mic...I can't see you when you nod your head..."

Vic had just arrived from tech school and hadn't developed a 'radio ear' yet for communicating with the SAC birds and it's his first night on Alpha net.

Trying to copy on of his first reports, the aircraft gives call signs as 'Deep 42'

Vic asks for a spelling, "Delta-Echo-Echo-Papa, Deep 42" comes the reply.

Vic's self conscious, knowing 7 or 8 other operators are watching and listening.

He asks the BUF to repeat. And does so again for a third time. Vic still didn't get it and asks a fourth time.

Loud and clear, the BUF replies in a very un-SAC manner, "Deep, like in throat"

The place roared.

I was taxiing out to the active in a 172 and I had just dialed up tower and checked the approach which was clear. The weather was 15+ vis and no ceiling. I was just about to call tower for clearance when I heard this.

ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.

TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.

I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this.

TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.

ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you!

Tower came back very cool and collected.

TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome?

ABC: err....negative dome tower.

TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.

ATC: Cessna xxxx What are your intentions?

Cessna: (With an Indian Accent) To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.

ATC: Cessna xxxx I meant in the next five minutes not years.

Lufthansa flight XXX: Ground, Lufthansa XYZ request back taxi, it appears we are missing a passenger, and must return to the gate.

Unknown voice on the frequency: Check your ovens...

American 127: San Jose Ground, American 127 off 30R, request taxi instructions

Ground: American 127, if able turn off at next intersection and taxi to gate. If unable, take the Guadeloupe exit off highway 101 and turn right at the first intersection to get back to the airport.

"Atlanta tower, United 123 is with you."

"United 123, you are cleared to land on 27 right."

"Atlanta tower, Delta 765."

"Delta 765, you are cleared to land on 9 left."

After a pause to digest this, we hear....

"Uh... Atlanta, I think you have that United flight and us coming into the same runway in opposite directions?"

Another pause..

"Y'all be careful, now, y' hear?"

Tower: United 123, traffic 3 o'clock, 2 miles, an American Fokker 100.

United: Tower, United 123. I've wanted to say this for a long time: I'VE GOT THAT FOKKER IN SIGHT!

A true story from my Scottish days when a C152 pilot was asked to report his height prior to clearance to enter the zone, replied: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon which the Controller very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets and re-enter the atmosphere time 07"!

While standing watch as the Squadron Duty Officer at VT-26, Beeville, TX, we used to look for anything to relieve the boredom. Occasionally a student would check in on base frequency after startup, then forget to switch and ask for a clearance from what they thought was Chase Clearance. One day we hit the mother lode, when our squadron CO forgot to switch his radio, and calls what he thinks is clearance while sitting in his T-2C Buckeye jet.

[distinctive voice of CO on radio]

CO: Clearance, XYZ, ready to copy

Me as SDO: Roger, XYZ, your cleared to Rome via Nome as filed, climb and maintain FL 650, execute the Hialuah 121 departure, intercept the 370 radial off of the Foobar tacan, contact departure 123.4

[long pause, CO wasn't really listening, thinks up excuse to ask clearance to repeat]

CO: Clearance, you were stepped on, say again

SDO: Roger, you're cleared as filed via the Hyatuke 385 departure, beware of nesting raptors at the departure end, noise abatement in effect within 100 mile radius, request you climb to 5,000 feet by departure end of runway, departing aircraft reports TACAN anomaly on the 150 at 35, winds 160 at 100, you're cleared for hover taxi, takeoff spot 5

C-150: Tower this is N-ABCD can you give us a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger N-ABCD we show you at 110 knots

Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-EFGH can you give US a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger that N-EFGH we show you at 201 knots

F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.

... then in a distant crackly voice,

"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."

Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.

"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."

Oakland Center at 2100 local. late at night, very light traffic.

United 21 is going to Hawaii from NY at FL390, this is WAFDOF but he's a long hauler so we try to let them fly at optimum altitude. Speedbird 35 is going to Chicago from Hawaii at FL 390.

United21: United 21, Oakland Center, level 390

Center: United 21, 390

Speedbird35: Speedbird 35, Oakland Center, level 390

Center: Speedbird 35, 390

At this point the controller student (me) says "those two are pointed right at each other!". They we're 300 miles apart pointed nose to nose. The controller and student then have a quick discussion about ways of insuring we wouldn't make a big noise over Modesto. The solution proposed by the student (me again) was to turn one 10 degrees right, the other 10 degrees right, let them get approx 10 miles lateral separation (5 is the minimum), pass, and then clear them back on course. I could tell the controller was mighty proud of his student's clear thinking! So he let the student do some ATC work!

Student: Speedbird35 turn 10 degrees right for traffic, expect direct Coaldale

Speedbird35: 10 right, expect Coaldale, Speedbird35

Student: United 21 turn 10 degrees right for traffic, expect direct Fuzzy

United21: Long pause..... Center.... we're going all the way to Hawaii tonight, how about turning our traffic out of our way.

This wasn't how it was supposed to work? The student looked to his mentor for direction. The instructor took over.

Center: United 21, turn 20 degrees right for traffic, traffic 12 o'clock, opposite direction, same altitude.

United 21: Center do you realize how much fuel a 747 will burn with this vector?

By this time the Speedbird is slowly moving off to the right. They won't bang together anymore but in the ATC lingo, we're about to have a deal. I'm ready to do anything! The old salty controller reply's in a slow measured response.

Center: United 21 understood, advise you rig for midair collision and flash the seatbelt sign.

United 21: 20 degrees right, expect direct!

Another student, a not too bright woman, was coming in for a landing. The radio in the FBO was set to the ground freq. It seems that she land on the taxi way.

The ground controller told her, "please call 555-xxxx after you park the plane".

She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."

Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at 4 thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.

Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the current SJC ATIS)

Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.

American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?

"American 303 heavy, DFW tower. Make 360 for sequencing."

"DFW, American 303 heavy. Do you know how much it costs the airline for me to 360 this thing? About $2600!"

"American 303 heavy, DFW. Make one of those $2600 turns for sequencing, then report outer marker."

One day Airline A's DC-9 was approaching Glasgow minutes ahead of a Airline B's 737. The DC-9 got clearance for the descent and the 737 soon after. After handover from the Airways to the Area Radar facility it was noticed that the 737 which was behind the DC-9 was catching up the DC-9 even though they were both reduced to the same speed 250kts. The 737 was advised by ATC then to reduce to 230 knots for separation. Several more minutes went by and the ATC radar noticed that still, the 737 was catching up the DC-9. So, the 737 crew were advised to reduce to 210kts. Again the 737 was told to reduce speed once again. This time the Captain replied to the instruction "Don't you know the Stalling speed of a 737 is?". To which the ATC replied "I have no idea but if you ask the pilot sitting next to you, he might know!"

In the 70's an H.S. Trident (a noisy aircraft) climbing out of Glasgow for London and into the Airway. Being late at night and above normal ATC restrictions request climb to cruise altitude. Normally this would be approved due to the limited traffic and this captain renown for being awkward.

Trident: Request climb FL330

ATC: Climb FL 180 and report level.

The Trident is in the climb and the Captain comes on the radio again requesting to continue the climb.

ATC: Report and maintain FL180 due to Noise Abatement.

At this the Captain comes back on the radio.

Trident: What do mean by Noise Abatement?

ATC: If you continue your climb you will be in the direct path of a 747 coming the other way and there will be an almighty bang!

[Christian Håkonsen]

Husker denne ut ifra hodet, så den blir kanskje ikke helt korrekt:

A pilot in a Cessna 182 was on approach to a small airfield in Dallas at night and thought that he should be a bit funny, so when he contacted the tower, he said "Guess Who?", then the controller turned off the runway lights and replied: "Guess where?"

haha

[Daniel Gjerstad]

quote:

---

Opprinnelig postet av Christian Håkonsen:

Husker denne ut ifra hodet, så den blir kanskje ikke helt korrekt:

A pilot in a Cessna 182 was on approach to a small airfield in Dallas at night and thought that he should be a bit funny, so when he contacted the tower, he said "Guess Who?", then the controller turned off the runway lights and replied: "Guess where?"

haha

---

Haha!

Det var en skikkelig LOL! [image]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/image]