FLY-VITSER!

[Geir G]

Mulig de har vært her mange ganger før, men jeg synes de var artige......

De er hørt under streaming på EHAM

 

 

Things heard on the frequency.........

 

Heard at Schiphol airport:

French female pilot to Ground: "Ground, can I have my pussy back?"

English accent pilot to Ground before they could answer:

"Ow come'on guys, give the girl her pussy back"

Lot of laughing on the frequency

 

"KLM 1725 mind the wake-turbulence of the Boeing 767-heavy, when ready cleared take-off runway 24 S5."

"Roger, cleared take-off runway 24 S5, call you rolling KL1725."

" Hoeft niet dat zie ik vanzelf wel, maar als je het leuk vindt mag het wel hoor!"

 

"Approach, UAL525, what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?" "UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"

 

"The first officer says he's got you in sight." "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...

you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."

 

Twr: "Captain, FYI, you were just left of centre." Cpt: "Yeah and my co-pilot was just on the right."

"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

 

"About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

 

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

 

"You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."

 

"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

 

"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend ... go ahead."

 

"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."

 

"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

 

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

 

"Don't anybody maintain anything?"

 

"Caution wake turbulence you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three ... no, let's make it five miles."

 

"Climb like you're life depends on it ... because it does."

 

"If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."

 

"For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window."

 

"Air Force one, I told you to expedite."

 

"Listen up gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides that, you're (tickin') me off!"

 

"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine .... see ya!"

 

"Japan Air Ten Heavy, how 'bout a radio check?"

(Response -"Rogah, switching!")

 

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"

"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."

 

"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

 

"Air Wisconsin Three-Thirty-Five, caution wake turbulence, there is an Air Wisconsin Three-Forty-Five on the frequency."

 

"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."

 

"We were told Rwy 09...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."

"Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."

 

"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."

"Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"

"Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

 

"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of controllers out there!"

"Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you."

 

"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for the ILS approach. Call the tower."

 

"MidEx 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll get you to Milwaukee."

 

"Approach, what's our sequence?"

"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."

 

"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."

 

"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"

"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."

 

"DAL1176, say speed."

"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."

"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."

 

"Request Runway 27 Right."

"Unable."

"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"

"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."

 

"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

 

"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"

"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"

 

"Approach, what's the tower?"

"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."

 

"How far behind traffic are we?"

"Three miles."

"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"

"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."

And the number one actual transmission heard in the O'Hare TRACON is:

"Turn in and take over .. you know the rest."

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right." Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,

"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??" The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

 

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport".

 

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: " said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw

some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7;

did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've

already notified our caterers."

O'Hare App Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing. Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!" The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?" Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."

 

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any longer) Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak english." Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why, must I speak English?" Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

ATC kept an aircraft very high for a long time then suddenly they said: "Leave FL220, descent 2000 feet and cleared approach", on which the pilot said: "Sorry sir, we are to high and need delaying vectors". ATC: "I suggest you use speedbrakes" to which the pilot replyed: "Speedbrakes are for my mistakes, not yours!!"

 

Tower: ‘To avoid noise, please turn right 45 degrees .‘

Pilot: ‘What noise could we possibly make at 35.000ft?‘

Tower: ‘The noise your 707 will make when colliding with the 727 before you!'

 

Tower: ‘Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?‘

Pilot: ‘An A 340, of course!‘

Tower: ‘Well then, would you please start your other two engines before taxiing to take-off?'

 

Pilot: ‘Good morning, Bratislava.‘

Tower: ‘Good morning. Please note: This is Vienna.‘

Pilot: ‘I am now on landing approach to Bratislava.‘

Tower: ‘This really is Vienna.‘

Pilot: ‘Vienna?‘

Tower: ‘Yes.‘

Pilot: ‘But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava.‘

Tower: 'Okay. Then abort your landing approach and turn left.'

 

Tower to a pilot that landed REALLY hard:

‘A landing shouldn’t be a secret. It’s all right for the passengers to know when they’re down.‘

Pilot: ‘That’s okay. They always clap anyway.'

 

Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his cockpit instruments when a lightning hit him:

‘We nearly lost everything. Nothing works anymore. Even the altitude indicator doesn’t show anything ........‘

After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another pilot comes over the comm: ‘Oh shut up and die like a man!'

 

Pilot: There’s a landing light burning.‘

Tower: ‘I hope there are more than that burning.‘

Pilot: ‘I mean, the landing light’s smoking.'

 

Pilot: ‘We’re running low on fuel. Please advise.‘

Tower: 'What is your position? We don’t have you on our scope.‘

Pilot: ‘We’re standing on runway 2 and are waiting for an eternity for the fuel truck.'

 

Tower: ‘Do you have any problems?‘

Pilot: ‘I lost my compass.‘

Tower: ‘The way you fly, you lost all the instruments.'

 

Tower: ‘After landing, go to Taxiway Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.‘

Pilot: ‘Where on earth is that? We don’t know our way around here.‘

Tower: ‘That’s all right. I’m only here for two days myself.'

 

Pilot: ‘Tower, request take-off clearance.‘

Tower: 'Sorry , we don’t have your flightplan. Where do you want to go?‘

Pilot: ‘Like every Monday, to Salzburg.‘

Tower: ‘But today is Tuesday!‘

Pilot: 'What? Then it’s our day off!'

 

Pilot: ‘Is there no Follow-me-Car?‘

Tower: 'Negative. Why don’t you get to the gate yourselves.'

 

Tower: ‘Height and position?‘

Pilot: ‘I am 1.80 m and I’m sitting in the front on the left side.'

 

Tower to a private plane:

‘How many souls on board?‘

Pilot: 'Pilot, two passengers and a dog.‘

Tower, after a hard landing:

‘I take it the dog did that landing?'

 

Tower: ‘Do you have enough fuel or not?‘

Pilot: ‘Yes.‘

Tower: ‘Yes, what?‘

Pilot: ‘Yes, Sir!!!'

 

Tower: ‘Please give us your estimated arrival.‘

Pilot: 'Hmmmm... Tuesday would be nice for me.'

 

München Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."

Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."

Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "

Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."

Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."

Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."

Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"

Tower: "Affirmative."

Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

 

Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"

Pilot: "More or less."

Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

 

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"

Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)

Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!

Pilot Trainee: "Roger"

The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

 

A "SR71" Blackbird was crossing the control-zone of London Control. It seems that the controller didn't know the service ceiling of this aircraft (around 30.000 meters (not feet!!)):

Pilot: Radar, Good Day, Airforce Blackbird, request FL 600(!)

Controller (amused): Sir, if you can reach, you are cleared FL 600

Pilot: US Air Force Blackbird, leaving FL 800, decending Level 600...

 

Controller (many turbulances over Africa): "Sabena 123 maintain contact with Brazzaville."

Pilot: "Control, I can't even maintain contact with my own seat!"

 

Ground Controller: "Cessna 2141U, are you the Cessna behind the Cessna in front of you?"

 

Pilot: "Tower, can I have a rough time-check?!"

Tower: "It is Tuesday, sir!"

 

ATC : "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "

Cessna : "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."

ATC : "I meant in the next five minutes, not years..."

 

Tower : "Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476"

Pilot : "Say again"

Tower : "Squawk 0476"

Pilot : "Four, Zero...?"

Tower : "Do you want an easier one ?"

 

CTL : "Cessna 123, do you have 'Hotel' Information ?"

Cessna : "No, thanks, Tower, we're staying with friends."

 

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and sais to the attendant 'Fill'er up !'

The attendant stared at the pilot.

"Bet you don't get too many aeroplanes asking for fuel", said the pilot.

The attendant replied : "True, most pilots use this airport, on the other side oh the road !"

 

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high...

San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

 

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure.

PSA called the tower and said :

"Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."

The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

 

Tower: "You have traffic at 10 o`clock, six miles."

Pilot: "Give us another hint; we have digital watches."

 

Tower: "H-CM, the airfield is at your 2 o`clock position."

Pilot: "Roger, is that local time or UTC?"

 

Tower: "N345E, go around, go around, your gear is up!!!"

Pilot: "Tower, can you say again, this horn is making such a noise."

 

Tower: "N7584S, say altitude."

N7584S: "Altitude..."

Tower: "N7584S, say heading."

N7584S: "Heading..."

Tower: "N7584S, say cancel IFR!"

N7584S: "Euh, we're at FL 200 heading 215..."

KLM123: "Approach, goedemiddag KLM123, descending FL70 inbound SPL reducing 250 knots."

Controller: "Waarom??"

KLM123: "Nou, dan kunnen we nog wat langer van het uitzicht genieten."

Controller: "Oke, speed 250, descent FL40"

Controller: "Transavia456, Descent to 2000ft speed 220"

Piloot: "Waarom?"

Hoop gelach op het kanaal.

Controller: "Nou, anders wordt het zo'n chaos hier beneden."

 

A/C op Tower frequency: "Cabin crew, take your seat!"Tower: Nou, ik zit al lekker hoor!A/C: "O, pardon!"Tower: "Haha"

 

 

 

!!!

 

 

[Aleksander Rønning]

Nå tror jeg nesten du får Ilan på nakken.

 

Mange artige ting og tang der ja

[Geir G]

"Nå tror jeg nesten du får Ilan på nakken."

 

Hvorfor?

[Thomas Gundersen]

"Nå tror jeg nesten du får Ilan på nakken."

 

Hvorfor?

 

Fordi han er sykelig opptatt av copyright, og det er ikke du som har skrevet det der. Selv synes jeg bare det er gøy at du legger det ut. Bryr meg ikke om hvem som har skrevet det.

[Bjørn Erik Hansen]

Hehe!

 

Btw.. Noen folk liker bedre å diskutere - The Copy Right Law - en å bry seg om selve innholdet..

[Erlend Andrè Larssen]

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high...

San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

 

Tower: "You have traffic at 10 o`clock, six miles."

Pilot: "Give us another hint; we have digital watches."

 

Tower: "H-CM, the airfield is at your 2 o`clock position."

Pilot: "Roger, is that local time or UTC?"

 

HAHAHA!!!

Gjett om jeg fikk latterkrampe av de fleste vitsene

[TOS]

-HEhehe har lest samtlige før, men artig å sjå dei igjen... trakk på smilebandet fleire ganger hehe