Flyhumor

[Bjørn Olav Henjum]

De som ikke allerede har oppdaget denne siden bør ta seg en tur.

 

Et lite utdrag:

 

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

 

[K F]

Hehe, mye bra her Bjørn Olav.

[Bent Stoa]

He he he, her var det mye deilig, fin og syk "flyhumour", ja !! Takk Bjørn Olav...

 

-- Beech Baron: Uhh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry. --

 

[Gjest]

Hahaha...morro dette ja. Begynte faktisk å le her, selv om jeg sitter alene.

 

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!

[Kristian B.bood]

Ja, de her var kjempebra!

 

Likte spesielt den her:

 

 

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

 

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

 

 

Og en ting til, er det noen som kan oversette den her?:

Lufthansa-Pilot (Im Anflug auf Berlin kurz nach dem Brünkendorf VOR): "Warum holen Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger Höhe für uns sehr unwirtschaftlich ist.'"

Controller: "Ja, Sie müssen schon entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von Tegel aus in Ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie dann zusammenstoßen."

Pilot: "Na, das wäre ja noch viel unwirtschaftlicher."

 

 

Kristian B.

[Peter Nørkjær]

Jeg kan prøve. Men mit tyske er nok ikke så godt, at det bliver lige så sjovt, men så forstår du pointen...

 

Lufthansa-Pilot (Im Anflug auf Berlin kurz nach dem Brünkendorf VOR): "Warum holen Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger Höhe für uns sehr unwirtschaftlich ist.'"

Controller: "Ja, Sie müssen schon entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von Tegel aus in Ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie dann zusammenstoßen."

Pilot: "Na, das wäre ja noch viel unwirtschaftlicher."

 

Lufthansa-Pilot (Ved indflyvning til Berlin lige inden Brünkendorf VOR): "Hvorfor skal vi ned i den højde så tideligt? Du ved vel, at flyvning i så lav højde er meget uøkonomisk for os".

Controller: "Det beklager jeg meget, men vi har meget trafik fra Tegel i deres retning, som de kan støde sammen med"

Pilot: "Når ja okay, dét ville nok meget mere uøkonomisk... "

 

Håber det var nogenlunde korrekt...

 

 

Lad mig også lige komme med denne (oversat fra en tysk side):

 

Første NOTAM (På en kold vinterdag i Boston): 'KBXX runway 14/32 braking action NIL as reported by vehicle.'

Anden NOTAM (Publiceret nogle minutter senere): 'KBXX airport closed UFN due to vehicle accident on runway 14/32.'

 

/Peter

 

[Peter Nørkjær]

[color:"red"]Her er der en røvfuld, som jeg har liggende på computeren. Nogle går igen, men der er også enkelte perler imellem...[/color]

 

 

AERIAL MANEUVER: Buying a radio station. - Joseph Leff

AILERON: (1) Sickly Ronald. - Joseph Leff

(2) The sick person is aboard. - Joseph Leff

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: A game played by airline pilots and air-traffic controllers. The game has no rules and neither side knows how it’s played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving on time for passengers to make connecting flights.

AIRBORNE: You now have an inheritor. - Joseph Leff

AIRFOIL: Reynolds Wrap for manufacturing aircraft wings.

AIRLINE: What genealogy studies. - Joseph Leff

AIRLINE MEALS: A reminder that you should have eaten before you left. The little bags in the seat backs are for those that wish to try the food. You are to ignore the pointing and snickering of the crew as you eat.

AIRPLANE BLONDE: A woman who has bleached her hair but still has a black box. – Playboy

AIRPORT TERMINAL: Plane site. - Joseph Leff

AIRSPEED: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy aviator.

ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off.

ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.

ANGLE OF ATTACK: Pick-up lines that pilots use.

ARRESTING GEAR: A policeman's equipment when used in conjunction with King (LA).

ARRIVAL: An opponent. - Joseph Leff

BAGGAGE CLAIM: The most far away and difficult area of the airport to find. Usually hidden by numerous signs reading, "Baggage Claim Area."

BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.

BARREL ROLL: Sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty.

BI-PLANE: (1) What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up.

(2) What aircraft salesmen want customers to do. - Joseph Leff

(3) Mom's advice about underwear. - Joseph Leff.

BI-PLANES: What aircraft salesmen want customers to do.

BUSH PILOT: Flies Air Force One.

CARBURETOR ICE: A phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.

CARRY ON BAG: Any bag you or with help can squeeze in the door of the aircraft. You try and push it under the person next to your seat and hope they don’t notice. Bicycles and trampolines are discouraged.

"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.

CONCOURSE: (1) Where prisoners play golf.

(2) A class for ships' helmsmen. - Joseph Leff

CONE OF CONFUSION: An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

CONTRAIL: Followed in order to recapture an escaped prisoner. - Joseph Leff

CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centers.

CRAB: The squadron Ops. Officer.

CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.

CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.

DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.

DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.

DEPARTURE GATE: This is where the most uncomfortable seats are tested out in the presence of many young and tired children.

DIRIGIBLE: Able to be made flexible. - Pat Tinney

DOMESTIC FLIGHT: Special excursion for maids and house cleaners. - Stan Kegel

ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

EXPERT IN TAKEOFFS: (1) An impersonator.

(2) A stripper.

FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit

FIRST CLASS: Where the people sit that didn’t throw away all their money on fast food and beer.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE: Fictitious reading material to occupy and entertain during a traveler's waiting time.

FOG: A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport, while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used for flight delays.

GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.

GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.

GROUP: A large, loud pack of travelers wanting to get away from it all, whatever that is. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar, spending all the emergency stipend, until five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservations agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats as this may prevent interesting stories for passenger to tell when they get home.

HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.

HYDROPLANE: An airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

LANDING: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

LANDING FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.

LEAN MIXTURE: Non-alcoholic beer.

LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. - Paul Benoit

MOTOR: Word used by student pilots and Yankees when referring to the engine.

NANOSECOND: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

NEXT FLIGHT: Always late tomorrow afternoon.

ON TIME: An obscure term with unknown meaning.

PARASITE DRAG: A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.

PASSENGER: A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a line. Lines have no set patterns and are usually formed in inconvenient places.

PILOT: A large area of open ground on which fruit-filled baked goods are sold. - Cynthia MacGregor

POSITION CLOSED: A sign posted at various counter locations which, when interpreted by the passenger, means "Form Line Here."

RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.

RESTROOMS: The cubicle that attracts the fat lady with constipation. The remaining cubicle contains the crew's extra luggage.

RICH MIXTURE: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

ROGER: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

ROLL: The first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A.

SCHEDULE: This is where you rush to leave your home airport at 5:30 am to arrive at the nearby hub airport where you have a four-hour layover.

SERVICE CEILING: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

SIGN: An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed by all except small children. Its primary function is to hide the locations of various areas of the airport, i.e. gate numbers, restrooms, baggage claims, etc.

SPOILERS: The Federal Aviation Administration.

STALL: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.

STEEP BANK: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

TACTICS: What a clock sounds like when it needs fixing.

TAIL WIND: Results from eating beans, often causing oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.

TICKET: The voucher you will need to rebook with another airline after your flight was canceled.

TURN & BANK INDICATOR: An instrument highly ignored by pilots.

UP: A chant used by pilots taking off from Colorado Springs, who want to discover the meaning of life.

USEFUL LOAD: Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo.

VOR: Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to home in on it.

WINDSOCKS: Socks that need darning.

WALK-AROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.

YANKEE: Any pilot that asks Houston tower to, "Say again."

ZERO: Style and artistry points earned for a gear-up landing.

 

 

PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENTS

 

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

 

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

 

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

 

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

 

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

 

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

 

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom: "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

 

"We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

 

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

"Last one off the plane has to clean it."

 

"If you are so lucky as to be travelling with small children..."

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight".

 

"That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"

 

"Welcome aboard Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than XXXXX Airlines."

 

After a particularly bad landing:"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Birmingham. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

After a particularly rough landing during a thunderstorm in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead lockers, because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted".

 

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area, Please place bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children".

 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft onto the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door whilst the passengers disembarked, smile and give them a "thanks for flying XYZ airlines". He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?". "Why no Ma'am" said the First Officer "what is it?". To which the little old lady replied "did we land, or were we shot down?".

 

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways".

 

SOME AVIATION SAYINGS

 

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Explaining the use of the controls to a student: "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you pull the stick too far back, then they get bigger again very quickly)"

 

Flying isn't dangerous; crashing is dangerous!

 

The propeller is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. The proof? Make it stop, and watch the pilot break out in a sweat.

 

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one ever collided with the sky. The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground, and miss!

 

It's generally a good idea to keep the pointy end going forwards as much as possible.

 

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

 

Every one knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one you can walk away from. But a 'great' landing is one where you can use the airplane again afterwards.

 

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

 

You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi clear of the runway.

 

Helicopters don't really fly - they're so ugly that the earth repels them.

 

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

 

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

 

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

 

Hangar fliers go higher, farther, and faster, every time they re-tell the story!

 

NEWEST ADDITIONS

 

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

 

 

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."

Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."

Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."

Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"

Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."

 

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.......... OH MY GOD!"

 

Deadly silence...........

 

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

 

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

Erstes NOTAM (während eines kalten Winters in Boston): 'KBXX runway 14/32 braking action NIL as reported by vehicle.'

Zweites NOTAM (nach wenigen Minuten): 'KBXX airport closed UFN due to vehicle accident on runway 14/32.'

 

Controller (bei sehr turbulentem Wetter über Afrika): Sabena 123 maintain contact with Brazzaville.

Pilot: Control, I can't even maintain contact with my own seat!

 

Controller: "CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?"

Pilot: "More or less..."

Controller) "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

 

Anflug Stuttgart:

Tower: Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.

Pilot: Das is ja wie in Frankfurt. Da gibts auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten... aber wir sind ja flexibel.

Tower: Wir auch! Reduce to 173 knots.

 

Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.

Pilot: Say again.

Tower: Squawk 0476.

Pilot: Four, zero...?

Tower: Wollen Sie'n leichteren haben ?

 

Controller: Unknown aircraft crossing CTR without clearance, identify yourself!

Pilot: I'm not silly!

 

Tower zu einem Flugzeug, das im kurzen Endteil gegen einen 30-Knoten-Gegenwind ankämpft: DW 160, your landing clearence expires in a minute!